Show Some Christmas Spirit - Feed a Hobo!

Again, more and more shit going on. I'm learning more about the stuff Michelle (Mom's roommate, not my counsilor) was talking to me about, and she's going to introduce me to a half-Indian friend of hers who goes to the monthly meetings she does who she says would be happy to teach me a little about shamanistic stuff.

There's also some shit I don't feel like talking about here. Maybe in a friends-only entry. Probably not at all.

Anyway, me and Mom found this $20 gift certificate to a restaraunt that was going to expire soon, so we went ahead and went there. On our way into the place, a homeless guy with legs like toothpicks warding off the rain with a filthy grey blanket asked us for food. She has her own baggage to carry with the whole homeless issue, so her first reaction is always a firm "no". She gave him some change, but that was it, and we went in.

Then, we decided to order the guy a short stack and some bacon. He'd asked specifically for pancakes, anyway, and this place has great ones.

When we got out, we went looking for him and drove around for about thirty minutes, but couldn't find him. So the pancakes are just sitting on the table. Mom's going to give them to her boyfriend, who was working and couldn't come with us. I just wish I had insisted that we go and give something to him right away. She's regretful that she said "no" so quickly and pretty much got rid of the opportunity.

I don't blame her, I don't blame me, I just wish I knew where the guy was hiding. He wasn't even asking for money, which would make me suspicious that it would be spent on something a WEEE bit less than legal, he just asked us for some fucking pancakes. I'm rich. My dad's been layed off, my mom's also practically broke, but you know what? We get by. We have computers. We have the internet. Compared to the majority of the world, the luxury we live in is fucking disgusting. The least I can do is give some starving guy some pancakes.

That's it. From now on, I'm carrying food with me in my purse at all times. If someone's asking me for food, I'm going to be able to give them some fucking food.
  • Current Music
    If I Was Young - Louise Taylor

Plenty o' Shit

Mom and Tim had a fight over some photo albums a week or two ago. Unpleasant. But it's a divorce; s'to be expected.

Rumors went nuts at my school and everyone thought that people were going to start shooting white people on Friday, which was complete bull, but with all the tension the rumors caused and the Pricipal's understanding of most not responding well to that much pressure, I stayed home on Friday. It'll be excused, she said. Some of my friends tried to go, but they wouldn't let them in. Lockdown or something. Unnerving shit. Hopefully I'll find out what happened on Monday, maybe I won't.

I've become a WoW addict. I have a male Troll Priest named Zerim. When he's high leveled enough, I want to make a guild in which we go into Alliance territories and heal Alliance characters and dance in circles to confuse the hell out of them, since we'll look like a raid group when first arriving and will just start peacefully dancing when we get there. It's an rp server, non-PVP, so we'll be safe. Can't figure out what to name it, though.

Got some stuff for my hands, which are dry and cracked to the point of bleeding. Liquid Lanolin. Tim's friend Janna says it worked wonders on her hands. I hope it does the same for mine, because nothing else has worked.
  • Current Music

These Dreams We Have

I had a strange dream last night. One of those dreams that make you end up sleeping until it's one thirty PM just so you can see what happens.

When it started, I was a young human child. All I knew of my world was that the great castle in which we all lived was the source of shelter and warmth, of company and food, a good place to be. I also knew that across the great river there was a massive citadel, made of clay, that looked almost as though it was a natural formation, not built by sentient beings but by the forces of nature.

I knew that evil lived there.

As the dream went on, I aged fast, and I learned more of the place. I snuck out at night, though I was beaten for doing so when I brought back my story, standing atop the castle to peer across at the place. I finally caught a glimpse of what lived there. They were bats, though not bats. They were larger than a full grown man, wheeling around their domain and patrolling their side of the river.

Though the other humans of the castle were furious to hear that I had snuck out at night, they were more furious to know what I had seen, as the river was a no-man's-land, agreed upon by ancient treaties. They were not to patrol it, to guard it, and to look upon it as their own territory.

And so with the foolish actions of a preteen child, the war broke out again.

As the dream went on, so did the war, and so did I, growing until I was 16. It was then that the Bats did something unforgivable. In the dead of night, they flew across the river into our territory on silent wings. The next morning, our elder was found dead, clearly by their claws. In retaliation, we staged an attack, killing their most respected warrior.

Time stood still in a sense as the dream reached this point. I did not go past the age that I am now, yet things continued to happen. The strangest of these was the appearance of a man at our castle, washed up ashore, barely alive, and a Bat at their citadel, also washed ashore. I do not know how they determined it, but it was impossible to deny as we looked into the face of the man, as it was when they looked into the face of the Bat, that we had seen them before.

The man was the Bat which we had killed, and the Bat was our elder. We knew, we knew, but we could not for the life of us figure out how they had been put into the bodies of the species they had fought against so ferociously. They could not remember a thing and soon died, but a seed of curiosity had been planted in our minds.

That curiosity posessed me, though I do not know what, to go across the river myself. I stole away on a canoe just as night fell, and though it soon sank for reasons I still do not know, I continued on, swimming through the water in a desperate bid to reach where the bats had set up a wall of sorts, flying atop the water just a bit past the great river's halfway point.

I nearly drowned there, but the Bats saved me, snatching me up from the water. They said something to me, in a great booming voice, speaking as one, that seemed to encompass all, an overwhelming voice. I do not remember what they said. It made me nearly lose conciousness, and one carried me back to my shore, the one that held me left untouched, though there was a great gathering of humans on the shore. When they dropped me on the shore, I finally did pass out, and the last thing I saw was the fading image of the Bat's leaving.

I awoke in a room that overlooked the shore, and I leaned out the paneless window to hear what was happening. Something serious was happening, there was no doubt in my mind about it. A group of the Bat's greatest fighters had wheeled over to our side of the river, escorting their Elder, and our new Elder had gone out to meet with them. They spoke in tongues I had never heard before, yet I understood them.

They were making a peace proposition.

After some time, our Elder accepted, and with a curt nod, the Bats flew away.

Time flew at a great speed, yet still I no longer aged. I watched as the knowledge of the Bats began to spread to us, and as we began to resemble them. Nobody found it odd as humans sprouted the wings where their arms had been, though they were not nearly as magnificent, nor as effective, as those of the bats. Only a few did not grow them, only a few found it odd, the few that would not let their hatred die. The rest of us began to take more and more of a resemblance to the Bats, and eventually began to believe that they had been right all along, that we had been fools, that humans were fools. The night air had apparently corrupted our minds.

Still, though I wanted more. I wanted to be as they were. I was not content with merely the power of flight, I wanted to truly be them. So, I flew across the river. (I noticed how short of a flight it actually was, though to sail across when we still followed our Human ways had taken much time.)

What I saw there shocked me. As we had taken much more of a resemblance to them, they were slowly beginning to look and act much more like Humans. They were abandoning even the higher floors, what could only be reached by flight, in favor of those more accessible by those tethered to the earth. There were only a few who remained as they were, though it was not a hatred that made them so, as it had been with the humans who had died without ever truly beginning to change.

One of them listened to my story, an old and wise Bat, and she bade me to follow her. With her I flew to one of the highest turrets, long since abandoned by almost all of her kind, and here she began to teach me.

I had left expecting a quick surgery or something of the like, a quick and easy way to change completely, but she had something else in mind. She shared with me knowledge that those of us on the Human side of the river still had not truly begun to listen to, that was slowly being lost to the Bats as well. She taught me the ancient Bat beliefs, the one most important to my situation being that as the mind changes, the body will follow. (This did begin to explain why both sides had begun to change upon the acceptance of the other.)

She would only teach me slowly, beginning by showing me a tablet, upon which questions were scrawled. Most were fading, and others were not there at all. When I asked her, she nodded and explained to me that they were all there. However, only those I was truly ready for the answer for would be seen. She told me that I would never truly change into a full Bat until I was ready to see all of the Truths.

Until then, she taught me what she could. Before she taught me how to truly form an image in my head with sonar, she made me listen closely to thousands and thousands of subtle changes in sound, teaching me to truly listen, to recognize one from another, and as I learned that, my ears began to change. She taught me many things, and while time flew at a rapid pace around us, we moved as though separated from the world.

There was almost no human left in me on the night that I looked across the river in great confusion. The humans had begun to change even more, though something about them didn't seem right. They looked much like me now, but there was no air of understanding about them, and the former Bats below us had almost completely changed.

The old and wise Bat, now even older, barely able to fly on her own anymore, had a grim look on her face when I gave her a questioning look. There were weapons beign prepared on both sides, and it appeared the war was about to begin anew. Both sides had seemingly forgotten who they were, forgotten their own roots, and the sides had merely flipped. It was only going to repeat itself from here, again and again, I now saw.

I had been a fool to expect things to stay peaceful, a fool to think there had been any true understanding.

She closed her eyes with a final breath, and was gone.

And I woke up.
  • Current Music
    Cathedral of Shadows (Cursed) - Shoji Meguro


It'll kill you, lemme tell ya.

Well, lemme tell ya later. Right now I'm still doing last-minute work on this shit.
  • Current Music
    Beauty is Within Us - Yoko Kanno


My dad just got layed off. His company works with a lot of defense stuff, and apparently the money from the war is putting a serious drain on the defense programs, so they've lost almost all of their contracts. He doesn't think the company as a whole is even going to last much longer. I've seen the figures for the cost of the war, the cost of the ammunition alone, but I'm not really starting to think about it until it's begun to directly affect me. It was just an abstract figure; now it's the reason for my dad losing his job even though he's been one of the best employees they've ever had.

Still, it's not all bad. He's going to get two more paychecks and they're helping him build up his resume to encompass the experience he's gotten while working there. Plus, this is sort of an opportunity for him. He's going to try to make more of a living off of his music. He's a classical guitarist; he's going to try to play weddings and stuff for now. I told him that getting a part-time job would still be a good idea, since my mom is a musician, folk musician, granted, but the two have similar problems when it comes to gigs falling through.

I feel sort of selfish in that I'm a tad upset about him buying a four thousand dollar guitar last week and leaving us with just enough for groceries, but he can sell it for more than that if we get in a real pinch, so it's alright. But we're moving down to basic cable. Oh, horror, I can't watch uncensored Terminator movies anymore, WHAT EVER WILL I DO.

We'll be fine, I know it, I'm just a little worried all the same. I can't help it. Anxiety's been flaring up lately for no specific reason, and then actual reasons to be feeling that way have been piling up in my lap and just adding to it. My breathing tic's gotten so bad that I'm half hyperventilating in all my classes and driving all my classmates crazy. A bunch of them sit behind me and imitate me while giggling. I'd be pissed, but I'm putting too much effort into regulating my breathing enough to stay consious.

We all have peaks and troughs; I just happen to be in a trough. I know it'll get better, it always does, but that doesn't prevent it from getting to me.
  • Current Music
    Danger - Etro Anime


I just watched Final Fantasy: Advent Children.

My dog has shit more interesting stuff than that.

That's all I'm sayin'.
  • Current Music
Heaven is Boring

Sweet Sixteen

There was this kitten I wanted so badly... She is a rescue case, currently being adopted out. I played with her for two hours and went completely nuts over her. I was completely bummed that I couldn't see her today, and was trying to get Dad to let me have her, but it was a no-go.

I was upset for a while, but I think I just really missed my dog... Now that I'm back, I'm feeling better.

Anyway, the QQ cook quit. I say, good for her. Her boss was an asshole. Trouble is, she was a great cook, and I don't think I'll be able to find eggrolls like that for a good long while.

Ooh, and I spent 100 bucks, that money Grandma gave me for my birthday, for a Nintendo DS Lite. Dad helped me pay for the rest. With it I got that remake of Super Mario 64 and Nintendogs Dauschund and Friends addition.

I have Mark, a Beagle, and Thor, a Siberian Husky, and I'm going to go walk them now.
  • Current Music

I am a Horrible Blogger

We finally got internet up here at the studio, although it's fairly slow DSL and the computer's not the fastest in the world.

Lostsa shit has happened. Condensing time, lesse, I had my first kiss, I'm going out with Joseph now, I transfered out of honors history because the projects were just too much for me to handle...

More recently, though, I made an interesting little discovery. Our early suspicions were correct: I am indeed very allergic to coconut. This was confirmed after I ate a rather large amount of the stuff. I missed almost the entire week of school. I'm turning sixteen on October 6, and I was going to go to San Fransisco with my dad with those first class tickets he won, but it was so bad that on Friday night I decided to cancel at the last minute. It turns out that the tickets can just be rescheduled to Spring Break, but he didn't know that. We had a loud argument, and I just sort of snapped. One second I was sobbing, the next I was giggling my ass off. Ended up coming over to mom's, but I forgot my GBASP charger, and since there's no way to just put in some fucking double-A's, I am now without GBA until I go back there. MAH POKEMON. ;-;

The doctors weren't entirely sure what this was, so to be safe they took me off my Zoloft, put me on Prozac, put me on Zyrtek, and now have me on these steroid thingies with Benadryl on the evenings. I have so many different drugs in my system right now it's just like woah what the fuck, please? Seriously, they didn't need to fuck with my meds this much, did they? Did they really?

I know people go through intense suffering all over the world, but in the end, the pain we are most attune to is our own, and let me tell you, the itching and aching and stinging I have felt this past week, it's been enough to nearly drive me mad. I couldn't think about anything else, no matter how hard I tried. It was just too all-encompasing for me. This has been the most intense mix of itching and pain I have ever felt in my entire life. Thankfully, it's finally beginning to wear off. The places where the rash was, namely FUCKING EVERYWHERE, are now only red, flakey, and extremely dry, which is a more managable itching. The only nearly infectious, pussy, HOLYSHITIT'SEATINGMYBRAIN itching is left in my hands, along with a lot of popped blisters that make washing my hands hell.

What's wierd is that I've also gotten a miniscule taste of what it's like to, instead of trying to distract yourself from your pain, focus on it, and put the pain to use on bolstering your will power to, oh, say, not start madly clawing at the oozing mass of stinking flesh that is your left hand.

Too graphic? Sorry.

But seriously this stuff stinks.

It's like

infectious stinky oozey BLEAH. But you know, at least now it's only coming from a few spots on my hands instead of oozing from every pore, INCLUDING THOSE ON MY LIPS. Ye GODS that made eating uncomfortable.

But anyway.

Uh, yeah. Bedtime.
  • Current Music

Norbert the Chinese Water Dragon

Today, my friend Bri got his lizard. I went and did what I always do and made an ass of myself by giving him a lengthy lecture. I hope he listens, and I hope his dad doesn't get pissed at him for getting a lizard.

I also hope that tomorrow I'll actually make a real entry, as I'm a shitty blogger during the school year.
  • Current Music
    Sweet Dreams are Made of This - Eurythmics

Some Good Stuff, Some Bad Stuff, and Plenty in Between

School is fucking nuts! Seriously, the organization alone is absolutely horrible. Combine that with a fair number of inept teachers and some of the most dimwitted students you can find, and you've got my school. But hey, I have some decent friends there, so it's cool.

The girl who accused me of "copying" her tie when I wore that one my art teacher gave me turns out to also be the one who jumped out at me with a knife in the woods thinking it was a funny prank and who seems to be under the impression that Jamie is her fucking toy. She seems to think torturing people until they are on the verge of suicide is fun. Really, when confronted about it by friends and acquaintences, she laughs her ass off. I'd go into more detail, but I'm in a decent mood now and I don't want to ruin it.

Another convention is coming up. I fucked up scheduling, so I might not get to go, but ah, well.

Lin IMed me! I can't believe it! She was online! And she remembered who I was, no less! In fact, her words were something along these lines:

"I am t3h bisexual and you are not here? >( Enroll in [SCHOOL NAME OMITTED]! Now!"

Which leads me to believe that she's begun to figure out her sexuality and may be reconsidering that crush I had on her back in seventh grade. And I sure as hell won't turn her down if she decides she's interested... We agreed that it's kind of silly to call it a date when we meet with each other, since we wouldn't really be doing anything different whether or not it's a date, but I still think I'll bring her a flower. Not a boquet, just a flower. I'm torn between a daffodil, a day lily, a sprig of rosemary, a sprig of lavender, or a twig with leaves on it. Seriously, I think she'd like any of those. Including the twig. Choices, choices...

I just need to talk to Joseph about this, though. I think if he were interested, he would have said something by now, but I've been honest about my feelings for him before, and I need to stay honest. He's a very good friend; I don't want to lose that, ever.

  • Current Music
    The Jimmy Hendrix documentary my dad's watching has music...